The Summer of Evasource
This one goes out to all our worthless piece of shit fans, who read our content and have noticed over the years, our lack of updates... Tonight, I will personally recount the activities of Evasource over the past few days...
June 29, 2005
Liquid informs us that he has discovered the existence of a fireworks warehouse in Pennsylvania, roughly an hour's drive away, named Phantom Fireworks. "Yo, we have to go find this place this weekend.", I recall saying, as I finished up my set on the inclined benchpress. Liquid for some reason or other claimed that he wouldn't be able to drive, assuming we were to go. Ron and I shoot it out with the standard Rock Paper Scissors (single elimination) to decide who has to drive. Observing my opponent and analyzing his strategy, I knew he would pull a paper, believing that I would cast a rock. I pulled a scissors, completely destroying him and any chance that I would have to drive. Oh yeah, that whole last part was completely irrelevant. Shut up.
July 2, 2005
Getting up at 9am, I go to the bank to deposit my last few paychecks and withdraw 100 bucks. 10am rolls around and I call to wake up Liquid, Ron, and Ed. Ron and Ed come over to meet at my house. I call Platy, only to discover his lack of interest in purchasing explosive materials... "oh my god, that's so not evasource", I noted as I hung up the phone. We then headed out and picked up Liquid.
We arrived at Phantom Fireworks, and discovered this long ass line looping out the door and around the corner. Oh shit, it's gonna take a while.... We see people walking out the door with shopping carts filled with fireworks... literally shopping carts... like they were buying produce at the supermarket or something! "OH MY GOD! THAT'S SO FUCKING HARDCORE... OH MAN, IT'S SO FUCKING EVASOURCE!!!", I loudly remarked. Sharing in my enthusiasm for this spectacle, Liquid noted jokingly that some guy was loading up his tractor trailer with fireworks and that we should check out the aisle with nuclear and biological weapons first. We all crack up. Bordering on giddy, I grabbed a shopping cart of my own, which happened to say "Phantom Fireworks" on it, and got into line for entering the warehouse. Surprisingly, the line went pretty quickly and within 10 minutes, we were at the entrance, where some security guy asked to see our driver's licenses to check that we were out-of-state customers. We entered, and I immediately knew that I had reached the promised land. Surrounded by aisles and aisles of explosives, Liquid pointed out that my jaw was hanging slack, in awe of everything I laid my eyes upon. I walked around confused for a moment, not knowing where to even begin. I ran into a salesman and almost spontaneously asked, where I would find the most powerful explosives in the store. He tells me, "End of aisle 2, you'll find the M-88's and M-98's." I turned the corner, grabbed a 36 count pack of each and signalled Liquid and the others to report my findings. I grabbed an additional box of each and continue on my way. We came across a list, ranking a bunch of fireworks. We grabbed the one ranked #1 (War Birds) off the shelf and tossed it in the cart. Arriving at the aisle of mortars and shells, somebody pointed out a huge package, called the "Show of Force"... It was one of the most jacked things I had ever seen... it sold for like, 300 bucks. Liquid grabbed a big box of mortars and tossed it into the cart... It would only cost 60 bucks. Significantly less jacked, but more affordable though later on we would come to realize that it didn't even matter...
Ok, so we gathered up a few more items and made our way to the check out line. Each of us paying separately, We left the mortars and the War Birds in the cart to be paid for last, communally. I paid for my 85 bucks worth of fireworks and everybody else went through the same process. We tossed all our bags into the shopping cart. Noting that we had purchased quite a bit, between the 4 of us, I asked the cashier if he would toss in a bonus item. Grabbing a package from under the counter, he throws a jumbo pack of rockets in a bag (a $55 value) and hands it to me. Awesome! So, everything is in the cart... the second the cashier made the closing statement, "Have a nice day.", my suspicions were confirmed. The cashier literally overlooked the sale of 100 bucks in fireworks! Ed uncautiously noted that there was a problem, as the honest individual that he is. Liquid, also realizing the situation, calms Ed down, and explained that everything is fine, as we headed towards the door. We quickly packed all our shit into the car and got in. Once we were on our way, we started cracking up about how we just walked away with $155 worth of free fireworks.... "HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME!", I proclaimed victoriously. Realizing that the $155 that we saved in discounted fireworks could be spent elsewhere, we stopped by a small vendor along the side of the road, and spent another 50 bucks on fireworks.
We arrived back at Liquid's place and tested some shit out in his backyard, went swimming, and returned later that night to burn some more.
July 3, 2005
After a day of swimming and chilling by the pool, Liquid, Platy, Mog, and everybody else head to Platy's house, where we grilled up a few burgers and hot dogs... with pepperjack cheese and Jack Daniel's sauce, no less. Satiated, we went to the park, to light some fireworks. Some kid and his father were lighting an impressive display of $800 worth of fireworks. The cops arrived shortly after the show and we hid our individual stashes in the woods. After the cops left, we got our stuff together and headed over to Liquid's house... the decidedly best place to burn shit. We lit a few rockets, some firecrackers, fountains, spinners, roman candles, and others. Ron had the idea to light multiple rockets and firecrackers with some hairspray and a lighter... a good idea if I've ever heard one. We lit two shells in the mortars, one of which, blasted 5 feet out of the tube and landed right by our feet. Panicking, we all stepped back, as the shell exploded in a brilliant flash of sparks and flames. However dangerous, we couldn't help but crack up about how awesome it was. We were also lighting firecrackers, holding them for some time, then throwing them as far as we could to watch the firecrackers explode mid-air.... significantly more dangerous and hardcore than anything else we were doing. Some shady kid came by at some point and even gave us some free fireworks... jacked. Oh yeah, and at one point, we lit this fountain that blew sparks and shit all over the place... even into my big box of firecrackers, which set off a chain reaction of explosions. Yeah, it was pretty fucking awesome.
July 4, 2005
The big day for celebration is here. Again, we chill in the pool during the afternoon and chowed down on grilled meats in the evening. To show our patriotic spirit and love for this country, we continued our third day of lighting illegal fireworks. Not messing around with the small stuff, as we had done the two previous days, we started off with multiple rockets lit with flaming hairspray, which by the way, is also pretty illegal. Mortars were lit in a similar fashion and a few more shells fired incorrectly as they had the day before, exploding several feet before us. A fountain called "Cherry Spritzer" sucked, and was followed by "Quiet Riot", which sucked a little less. We lit the War Birds, as a finale, which was pretty fucking jacked... fuckin exploding balls of fire shooting up into the air... doesn't get too much better than that. What happened after this, should not be repeated by anybody, assuming you don't want to die just yet.
Ok, several years ago, I was walking through Chinatown the day after Chinese New Years... the streets were littered with debris from fireworks the night before. I happened to find two unlit, 3 inch long firecrackers lying on the pavement. Testing one out that night, I lit the fuse in a parking lot, stepped a good 20 feet back, and waited for the thing to explode. The thing shook the ground and blew a massive blast of air in my direction. That thing was fucking powerful... the second of the two would remain sealed in a plastic tubular capsule for the next 5 or 6 years . Ok, so back to July 4, 2005.... I prepared to light the fuse on the second of two Chinatown firecrackers. Everybody stepped a good 20 feet back. The fuse was lit, burned half an inch, and blew out... still having about three inches of fuse left, I attempted to relight it. I'm not exactly sure what happened next... the lighter was on, but the fuse was not lit... regardless the thing blew to bits in my hand, roughly a foot away from my face. I stumbled back several feet from the sheer force of the blast impact. My hands were covered in soot and my ears were ringing like crazy fuck. Dazed, I slowly oriented myself and walked towards everybody else, who thought I should have been dead. Concerned about my safety and well-being, I was showered with comments like, "HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU OK?".
Realizing that I was completely unharmed, everybody wanted to shake my hand for surviving a firecracker blast of that calibur. For a single moment, I knew I had reached the pinnacle of everything evasource. Divine intervention or sheer luck, it doesn't even matter... it was fuckin' hardcore beyond hardcore...