How to Become a Go Master

If you have any sense at all, you've seen and enjoyed Hikaru no Go. Many people, after watching or reading it, feel absolutely compelled to play and master Go; to make this easier, we at Evasource have compiled all our various knowledge of the game into a simple guide.

Step 1: Being Badass
This is a beginner Go player's first mistake. It is entirely possibly to play Go looking like a normal person; don't do this. Becoming a true Go master requires not only skill but an almost ridiculous sense of the badass. Every single Go master, including that old guy, looks badass as hell; Hikaru, in the process of becoming a master, gradually looks cooler and cooler as he nears his goal. Yes, Hikaru becomes a Go master. This isn't a spoiler... it's fucking obvious, and if you didn't realize it, you're a fool.

The primary methods of appearing badass are discussed in another guide and won't be examined here.

Step 2: Materials
When purchasing a go board, carefully examine the one you're considering. Is it old? Is it blood stained? If the answer is yes, buy the board immediately; you're on your way to greatness. If a board with the necessary qualities isn't available, just buy the first decent one available; you're screwed either way.

I would assume the stones are provided along with the board; if this isn't the case, just jack some from your local Go club. See below for details.

Step 3: Playing Go
This is conceivably the most difficult portion of becoming a Go master. I'll go over the actual details of playing the game itself later, most likely in some addendum to this guide. For now, I'll discuss HOW you should play Go.

When holding your pieces, clamp the stone in your three middle fingers and put it onto the board by moving your hand to the desired position, then pressing down and releasing. Don't place your stones like a pussy. Slam the stone down with as much force as humanly possible and make a really pissed looking badass face; if you have trouble doing it, pretend that the board has somehow violated your mother and glare at it accordingly. This method does two things; if you're lucky you'll intimidate the hell out of your opponent, and even if you lose, he or she will think you have talent. The flaw is that fucking up results in gross humiliation. Don't fuck up.

Step 4: Where to play
You can play Go anywhere, though some places may be more readily available than others. It may be tempting at first to join your school Go club, a possible haven for others like you who simply enjoy the game. The flaw in this is that your Go club is full of losers. Chances are, they will all not only be suck at Go, they'll be fucking annoying as well. You'll have the eager geek (who sucks at Go,) the brash and arrogant hothead (who sucks at Go,) several newbie girls (who suck at Go,) and some guy who doesn't even give a shit and will soon leave. Follow his example.

The only possible benefit of being a member of Go club is the opportunity to steal Go playing supplies for your own personal use. If you have all you need, skip the club and either go to Go salons, the pros, or both.

Unless you're extremely lucky, and have some kind of family hookup, becoming a professional generally takes enormous amounts of time. Because you're the shit, and well on your way to becoming a Go master, this does not apply to you. Join the Inseis, blow through every opponent you find, and join the pros, where you belong.

Step 5: The pros
This is it... what you've been working up to. But it isn't over yet. You're a newbie; the field is full of stupid bastards who think they're the shit and think you lick balls. In fact, and you should know this already, THEY are the ones who lick balls. And you'll fucking prove it to them by kicking their asses in the most horrifying and utterly creative ways possible. Slam your pieces down even harder and look more badass than you ever have before; it's fairly safe to assume the majority of people are not as good as you are. In fact, they aren't. All the lower level people are complete crap, and you need to rape your way through them as quickly as possible. Once this has been accomplished, you'll finally be there... you'll be a master. There's more, but that's out of the question. See Step 6.

Step 6: The Hand of God
Don't try to find the Hand of God; Touya Meijin, Hikaru, and Sai are insane. You're a dumbass.