How to Become a Pokemon Trainer
I'm sure everyone out there, as much as we hate to admit it, as seen Pokemon. I'm also almost positive you've said to yourself, "Wow, I really hate these motherfuckers, they annoy the shit out of me." So here, for absolutely nor eason, is your own handy dandy guide on how to become a Pokemon trainer!
Step 1: Being a cute little kid
Okay let's face it, as much as we hate the annoying brats they have a certain kind of little-kid cuteness to them. You really can't be some middle-aged fat and bald guy and be Pokemon trainer.. it'd just look wrong. Now, it's not easy to be a cute little kid it takes a lot of work, skill, and stupidity. You have to have features that literally make no sense and are ludicrously exaggerated. For example, Ash's huge weird-looking eyes or Brock's slits. Even though it looked like his freaking eyes were closed, it was pretty fucking cute. It wouldn't be a good idea to try to force your eyes to be like that, it may blind you for life, but do it for cuteness anyway. Next, the the voice, which has to sound really spunky and enthusiastic, a little monotone but still kind of fruity, or not-so-spunky and borderline annoying. In other words, you must possess a really irritating voice. Let's look at Ash again. This kid's voice was hyper, energetic, and REALLY annoying but still you can't help but think, "damn, this kid kicks ass." Perhaps the most badass Pokemon trainer, Brock, probably had the best voice since it was kind of dull and only SLIGHTLY annoying but unfortunately it sounded kind of fruity. Misty, dear God. The only way to truly sound as hyper as Misty is to alter your vocal chords beyond human perception. Or, if you really want to sound that high-pitched just carry around some kind of high-pitched-sound-producing device and just use that whenever you need to communicate orally. It'd make a lot of people go deaf (including you) but it must be done for the sake of cuteness. Now the most important part of looking like a cute little Pokemon trainer. Your hair HAS to be SPIKEY AS HELL. I can't emphasize this enough people. REALLY REALLY SPIKEY and preferably an odd color like orange or something. Your hair absolutely must spike out in all directions and dimensions and defy every sacred rule of hair-care that exists. Put orange shit in it, make it stick up, do whatever it takes to get that hair! Okay, now that you're a cute little kid, it's time to move on.
Step 2: Wearing cute clothing
Now that you walk the walk, can you talk the talk? Even though that made no sense, let's move on to clothing. Just because you look cute doesn't mean you can walk around with ghetto jeans and chains and shit, who the fuck do you think you are? Even the conceivably black Brock doesn't try that. Look at that bastard Ash, with his spiffy blue and white jacket, jeans, cool black t-shirt, green gloves, and awesome white and red hat with the symbol on the front. You must be saying, "DAY-YAM, I want to look like that." Well good but shut the fuck up because I'm not done. Let's completely ignore the fact that if you wore that outfit on a regular basis you'd get the utter shit kicked out of you and continue. Brock's wardrobe conists of brownish pants, pouch thingies on his belt, orange t-shirt, and a green vest with numerous pockets. You're probably thinking, "Yo, what are they trying to say here?" Well I don't fucking know so let's move on. Misty sports really damn short shorts, snazzy suspenders, a disturbingly small yellow tank-topish thing, and she's got a pony tail type of thig sticking out the side of her head. Aside from the fact that Misty's kind of dressed like a slut, I've discovered through hours of observation and analysis that the key to dressing like a cute Pokemon trainer is randomness and clashing clothes. I mean, a tank top with suspenders? An orange t-shirt with a green vest? A blue and white jacket with green gloves? I don't claim to be a fashion expert or anything but I believe these kind of outfits are essential to the look of a trainer. If you're a girl, don't hesitate! Sing it, sister! Go all-out with bikini tops and overalls, weird shit like that. It's not even cute, it's just straight up hot. Well now that you LOOK like a Pokemon trainer, can you act like one?
Step 3: Being annoying. Really, really annoying
I'm going to let you in on a little secret now. I think i'm attracted to Misty. But the key to being an effective and efficient Pokemon trainer is to BE ANNOYING. I mean like ANNOYING. You have to be ready to annoy anyone you interact with, screaming at them with your irritating voice while sporting your suspenders. Try to make red lines come on your face, draw them in with permanent red ink if you have to. You have to be energetic, NEVER tired, NEVER drowsy, NEVER anything but happy or confused. There's not much else to it, so without furder ado....
Step 4: Battle!
Okay you really have to know how to challenge any random punkass Pokemon trainers you see wandering around in the forest. When you see a guy you have to start trash talking with him first, get shit started. Then you have to say something like "I challenge you!" and hold up a pokeball, at which point everything should turn orange. You have to stand there for several seconds too so don't be scared if you can't move or something. Now the fight begins. For some reason the Pokemon are like brain-dead and can only do stuff WHEN YOU TELL THEM, no matter what. It's VERY important to shout out "Go (insert name of Pokemon)!" in a very loud and high-pitched voice, the same goes for the attacks. Don't be afraid if your Pokemon "faint" (this is a kid's show after all), just stick a pokeball out and it will magically re-enter it, at which point you grab another one, stick it out. Again, the screen may turn orange and you may find yourself frozen and rotating. In order to excel at this you must train your body not to have seizures when exposed to flashes of color. Assuming to win, be prepared to shout something like "Yeeeah!" and to jump up in the air, at which point the screen will ONCE AGAIN turn orange or something and you will probably freeze in some kind of space-time continuum, so just stand there and smile, do not be afraid. I don't know why you would even want to be one but whatever,congratulations, you're an Evasource certified Pokemon trainer! Now go forth dress like a slut and be cute or whatever and annoying and all that shit, just go away.