How to Become a Sailor Scout
Back in the day, we used to (and some of us still do) watch cartoons. Spiderman, X-Men and Captain Planet were the official badasses of the day. Then something new came. It was odd, kind of humorous, and downright entertaining; it was Sailor Moon. I always thought to myself, ďI want to be a Sailor Scout.Ē Now you can be one too with the official Evasource Guide to becoming a Sailor Scout!
Step 1: Iím Cuter Than You!
Are fat people ever superheroes? No. In fact, are ugly people ever superheroes? God no. But being a Sailor Scout is something special. You may not instill fear in the hearts of j-walkers but rest assured theyíll want to get in your pants. The first step to becoming a Sailor Scout is to assert your beauty. You clearly donít have smarts nor do you have any kind of incredible power, but youíre a crime fighter in a mini-skirt. The most important aspect of your appearance should be cleavage, as much as possible and donít skimp. Shave your legs; I cannot stress this fact enough. But donít use that hair remover stuff, it smells funny. You can choose to wear your skirt with frills or without. I prefer without due to wind resistance when gliding off buildings but, whatever floats your boat. With killer legs and a loincloth length mini-skirt, youíre ready to move on. Keeping with the Scout tradition, you should be wearing a schoolgirl uniform, preferably matching with your skirt. Your hair isnít too important at this point because when you magically transform youíll spin around in a void naked and somehow youíll come out with perfect ponytails. Wonder Bras can do wonders (giggle), but they may hamper your movement in the middle of a heated battle.
Step 2: You Canít Rape Me! Haha!
There is something about the allure of girls in school uniforms that drives criminals insane. Use this to your advantage, I mean you didnít get dolled up for nothing! You know what they want, but you canít let them have it. They canít rape you; youíre a Sailor Scout! The first thing to do when arriving at the scene of a crime is to scan the area. Look for well lighted spots to stand in and windy areas that blow your skirt up. Also note youíll need a lot of room to transform so make sure your not standing next to a telephone pole or something. Flying into one of those wouldnít be too cute. When the criminals finally notice you, itís time to show your stuff. Youíll want to lure then close to you by looking innocent, perhaps looking confused or crying. Then they get close enough to get a good look at you, try to stand in a pose that reveals your curves the best. Some basic tricks are to bend over and pick something up or sway your hips slightly. When you know theyíre rock and ready to violently sodomize you, its time to get serious!
Step 3: Sailor Power!
The most notably awesome part of being a Sailor Scout is transforming into a goddess and kicking the crap out of the guy. Cry something along the lines of ďSAILOR POWER!Ē or ďGO GO SAILOR SCOUTS!Ē and jump into the air. Physics would normally bring you back to the ground but, assuming youíre Scout material, magical forces should suddenly create a flashy void around you. Donít be alarmed as all your clothes fly off and youíre twirling around naked. Within the next several seconds, you should feel new clothing materialize on you and magic sparkles fly everywhere. Your hair is now in a perfect weird bun ponytail that I assume is more aerodynamic. If everything that was mentioned above didnít happen, this guide ends here for you and youíre probably going to be in the county hospital very soon. If it did, youíre ready to kick some ass!
Step 4: Sailor Combat 101
Donít kid yourself, youíre not Superman. You wonít be pulling any fancy moves or chain combos and shit, but donít fret. You still have your magic tiara and odd arm movements to save you. Start the battle by reassuring the villain that he canít beat you because you have the magical powers of the moon. Make sure you make lots of random hand motions as if youíre casting a magic spell or some shit. If at this point he intimidated, start walking towards him as you continue to make random hand motions. If he isnít intimidated pull out your magic tiara and start chucking it. Your only chance is to hit his nuts so aim low. If your tiara is in fact magic, and it should be because you have Scout powers, it will home in on their reproductive organs. When theyíre down, soar into the air and cry out something in the name of the Moon and dive down and start fucking them up.
Step 5: Oh shit itís a chick!
Youíve come to the realization that none of the above mentioned tactics work because your opponent is in fact a female. Again, donít fret! You have a friend to help. ďBut I donít have any friends Liquid!Ē Itís ok. Heíll show up anyway, throwing a random flower into the ground before dropping from the sky to save your ass in a tight situation. Donít get me wrong, he doesnít actually have any powers but heís a good distraction while you get your ass off the ground. Donít be surprised if he gets horribly raped and killed, he doesnít actually have any powers.
Youíre now an officially certified Evasource Sailor Scout. Although most law enforcement agencies wont recognize your authority, stand firm and never let the bad guys win, no matter how many times you end up in jail for disturbance of the public.