Guide to Otakon 2004

yeah, I didn't bother writing an Otakon review the past two years... possibly because I'm a lazy shit... no clue where to begin, but yeah, here we go...

Otakon... it's almost like an anime equivalent to the Islamic Mecca... ok, maybe not quite.. but yeah, we make the trip down to Baltimore, MD every year..... a number of factors make Otakon the experience that it is and it will all be discussed below.

Pre-Registration Line

It was hot as fuck out, and we were out in the blazing sun for several hours... Monopoly kept us occupied for a good ten minutes, and a few rounds of Magic were played to pass the time. Cutting of all sorts usually take place in lines like this... however, we arrived early enough this year, that doing so was not necessary. Special thanks to the little girl in line in front of us, who oddly enough, served as our Monopoly banker and cussed like a motherfucker.

Hotel Life

The hotel we stayed in was right across the street from the convention center... jacked. [reservations made a year in advance, but more specifically 3 days after Otakon 2003]. We were checked in to a room on the first floor... yeah, thats right, you fat lazy fucktards, elevators and stairs were avoided altogether... we fucking own you. Though we were not in the hotel for any lengthy period of time, other than to sleep, quite a bit of shit happened here. This included gauntlets in Guilty Gear to decide a number of things, with voice-overs done by Liquid in a sort of sportscaster-like voice. There was also one particularly hilarious situation involving Platy and sleepwear, which I won't get into.

Evasource Shirts

See anybody wearing shirts with the evasource logo screenprinted onto them? Yeah, that was us, you fuckers. Fuck you.


All you fat shits reading this, just skip over this section... you have more important things to be thinking about.... like, losing weight... or dying..... Our dining experiences this year were fucking intense... crab cakes, seafood platters, lamb kabobs, calamari..... the gourmet pizzaria that we went to last year no longer serve the tandoori pizzas, but the jambalaya ordered in it's place was equally jacked. The restarants we went to this year were well-selected... very jacked.

Dealer's Room

The dealer's room is essentially a giant room filled with tons of jacked shit.... free stuff and then some... what kind of stuff? shirts, posters, manga samplers, toys, dvds... and for some inexplicable reason, moist towelettes... well, I guess cause Otakon attendees are dirty.... personally, I felt the need to clean a few people up.... violently..... but shit, that's fucking nasty. Several raffles took place, only one of which I had won anything. It was a gundam action figure. Sold for 7 bucks.

Stealing Stuff

Yeah, who woulda thought. I guess just walking around and picking up shit loads of useless free stuff kinda gets you into a mode, wherein you just feel like taking stuff and putting it in your bag. Altogether, we managed to steal a number of posters, stickers, someone's camera, and 2 large convention weapons policy and lost child policy signs.


One of the biggest rock bands in Japan, L'Arc~en~Ciel performed live for the first time in the US at Otakon this year. This concert was fucking awesome... the music was jacked, as was the overall performance... their English was poor, but hilarious and very respectable... Phrases such as, "I AM EVANGELION! I'M GOING BERSERK!" and "WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT MY BANANAS?" received the applause of everyone in the arena. They did a number of classic songs, including 'Heaven's Drive' 'Stay Away', and 'Driver's High', along with a bunch of songs off their new album. Just when we thought it was all over, the band came back out and did an encore performance of 'Honey', 'Blurry Eyes', and 'Pieces'.... FUCKING JACKED. After the concert, the streets were overrun by a huge mob of people... traffic literally stopped.

More Free Stuff

A big shirt and poster toss took place in the main convention center lobby. Basically, a large crowd of people were gathered in an open space with a guy throwing shit down from the second floor... the ideal conditions to shove/elbow/kick/punch people down to the floor, get free stuff, and do some damage with no hard feelings... I managed to rip a jacked poster out of the hands of a few tards and escape the mob of people with the poster in pristine condition. What became of it will not be discussed.


Otakon attendees appear to be confused about the concept of cosplay at an anime convention. Unless you have the body type of the character you intend to cosplay as, don't cosplay. If you're ugly, perhaps you should be thinking about plastic surgery and not what you plan to cosplay as at Otakon. If at this point, you meet the first two requirements for cosplay, remember one final thing, cosplay is not to be confused with Halloween. I'm talking about the guys dressed up as Boba Fett from Star Wars and Neo from The Matrix... you look fucking stupid. Go die.

Evasource pwned j00

In the end, it all comes down to this... We don't like any of you. What exactly is it that we don't like? It all ranges from physical appearances and personality to sheer stupidity and lack of original thought. We don't like anything about any of you and will maliciously ridicule you about it, as we have done in the past. Feeling vexed? I know the Fat Otakon Girl (FOG) does [see Guide to Guestbook Flames]. Maybe you saw us at Otakon... maybe you didn't.... but none of you have done anything to stop us. What am I getting at? Evasource fucking pwns you.