Baldur's Gate II Review

"Oh man! It's such an AWESOME game! There's so many spells! Oh man!" Liquid shouted excitedly as he rapidly flipped through the pages of the thick Baldur's Gate II manual, "OH MAN! I remember it all now! This game is so awesome! OH man!" The CDs were being copied in the other room as we continued playing Final Fantasty Tactics, getting feverishly anxious to play the "awesome" game Liquid was ranting about. "Yo! I'm gonna go right home and install it!" I innocently shouted, awaiting the next day where the three of us would play Baldur's Gate all day long. God, I was anxious as hell.



"Oh man! It was like game of the year, better than Diablo and shit!" This was among several other promotions Liquid bore upon us, "it's just too complicated for you guys."

First, it took like an HOUR to get the fucking thing working. I entered a game with Platy, I jacked a bunch of weapons from some chest or table or something, I think Platy like died once, I don't even remember. We wander around confused for a little bit, taking about 87 minutes to figure out how to chat in the game. Then the phone rang, I pick up, Hello? I hear Platy, Hello? Then we both just literally start cracking up, trying to squeeze out the words "OH DEAR GOD THIS FUCKING GAME SUCKS WE FUCKING HATE YOU LIQUID!" We were laughing harder and harder as we realized how much the game did in fact suck. You poor shits reading this, do not play this game, Diablo is a LOT better. THIS GAME ACTUALLY SUCKS. I immediately deleted it and lost the CDs. All 27 of them. Ever since we just refer to the fiasco as the "Baldur's Gate Incident." It got so horrible that at one point when we were on the phone together, it actually took time to figure out how to quit. And no, we're not fucking morons, the game just sucks. THIS GAME SUCKS DO NOT PLAY IT.


I remember Liquid talking Baldur's Gate up like it was godly and "better than Xenogears," some kind of awe-inspiring videogaming experience. We were bloody excited, frankly; he told us repeatedly about all the unique characters we could make, all the badasses we would fight and see, and above all just how much fun the game was. Believing him, I went and burned a couple copies of the games for us to play when we got home. I sat down at my computer that night expecting to play a seriously great game.

Sweet Jesus, I was wrong. The game sucked, and in fact still does. After the several hour long setup process, I found myself wandering around in a dark and shitty looking dungeon with absolutely no idea what to do. I soon realized that Mog was in a cage for no apparent reason, and got him out; if I hadn't freed him, he conceivably would've spent HIS ENTIRE GAME TIME IN THAT CAGE. HOLY SHIT THAT'S GREAT GAME DESIGN. Then, having finally accomplished something, we wandered around until I got killed by a bat. No weapon, no armor, nothing. Game over. It is entirely possible the gameplay in Baldur's Gate is nonexistent; certainly, this seemed to be the case. It wasn't "too complicated," or "good once you figure it out." This piece of shit simply wasn't fun. Maybe other people play games for other reasons, but they're all idiots.

Nothing in the game fucking worked. The chat didn't work, all the fancy little buttons on the sides didn't work, and above all we could not, thinking together, figure out how to quit; this game not only sucks, it won't let you escape it's utter suckiness. Don't bother with this game. Go play Xenogears or something instead. Hell, go play Tetris Attack.


Ironically enough, the sequel to the Baldur's Gate series, Neverwinter Nights came out not too long ago. "Oh man this game is awesome!" they said. "This is so the summer game!" they said. "It's the same thing as Baldur's Gate except 3D," I said numerous times. They didn't want to believe me. Whatever ::shrugs:: Shortly after beating NWN, I suggested playing Baldur's Gate again. Platy agreed... then I myself decided that I didn't want to play it, while Platy insisted that "I don't care about the graphics or speed, I just want to play it." I refused. We played Icewind Dale (NOTE: ICEWIND DALE USES THE SAME ENGINE AS THE GAME THEY BASH ABOVE. YES THE EXACT SAME ONE. IN FACT ITS THE SAME FUCKING GAME WITH A DIFFERENT STORY) Platy claimed "This game is so piss hard, but awesome in a different way than Diablo." I agree, having known this for like 10 years. Icewind Dale died after I, not Platy, got bored of playing it. Now... we can come to the conclusion that either I was wrong about Baldur's Gate and it was horribly bad, or that Platy is an idiot. I think it's apparent what the right choice is. Mog remains steadfast in his opinion, but then again... Mog is Mog.