How to Become an Anime Tennis Player
If you've read my article about real life and anime, you must have noticed that segment on playing tennis. Yeah, it seems boring and you want to commit suicide watching it played, but if done right, tennis becomes a bloody action sport with stances, formations, and special moves. Sadly, the greatest coach in the world can't teach you any of that, so instead Evasource will teach you how to play tennis the right (and probobly highly illegal) way!
Step 1: The Impossible Possible
Ok first, forget everything you've learnt about physics from school. Yeah like just fucking chuck that book out the window cause we're about to break every rule in that book. (Most of you dumb fucks are already half way there... except Mog who thinks its cool to be stupid) Also, forget everything you've ever learnt about tennis. The first thing you have to know is that the impossible is ALWAYS possible. You can indeed hit fireballs and break peoples arms and shit. Imagine sending someone to the hospital with a tennis related fracture. They'd look pretty fuckin stupid.
Step 2: Fuck you Nike
I know most of you think you're the shit and have expensive tennis shoes and shirts and more shit that makes you feel good about yourself, but thats not going to work. I'm going to now ask you to go ahead and throw those out the window as well. What you're going to need is an even more expensive Seigaku tennis shirt bought off Ebay for a bazillion bucks. Ah hell with it, get the jacket too, you're going to to need it to look badass. Don't forget the most important part, the racket! You have to get one with your initial on the bottom of the handle. That's key.
Step 3: Keep Your Style!
Now that you probobly look like a bad cosplayer, it's time to consider your style. What kind of tennis will you show to the world? Will you be a singles or a doubles player? Lets take Ryoma Echizen for example. He's this short little badass kid that creams people with this whacky ass serve that bullets towards their head. "Twist Spin Serve!" Those three annoying kids always cry that. You need people crying your super moves too. Another example of a super move is like Kaidoh's Boomerang Snake. "Ah! Boomerang Snake!" No matter what, your move has to defying every fucking rule of physics and it should make as little sense as possible. Take Fuji for example. His counters and shots make the least sense in the series, but always end up looking stupidly badass. One counter makes the ball slide of the court... it doesn't even bounce. What the fuck? Why he doesn't just use it all the time and win automatically is beyond me though... Special moves can't be abused though, and thus you also need some sort of stance to scare the shit out of your opponent. Lets take Tezuka for example. He has this godly stance called the "Tezuka Zone" where every ball you hit just flies towards him like some vortex is pulling it in. HE DOESNT EVEN MOVE FROM HIS SPOT. That's just fucking cool.
You must be thinking, "Liquid, I can't do any of this shit!" Don't worry! Evasource never leaves you defenseless and in jail! The first step is to recruit some kids that will stand off the side of the court and comment endlessly about cool moves that you have. Make sure they're loud enough that your opponent can hear them clearly. "Is that Fire Dance?!", "Hold on! He might be using the Viper Blade!" Tell them to make up shit like that and all say it in unison whenever you serve. If all works out, your opponent should be too psyched out to return your gay ass loser serve. Score!
Step 4: Everything Moves Faster on Fire!
Now here's your trump card. Your, ace if you will. You'll need a special rigged ball, a lighter, and a fire resistant glove. Make sure your friends have coined an awesome phrase for this serve like "Flame Revolver" or "Seering Touch". Just before you serve, behind your back, light the ball, that has been previously soaked in lighter fluid, on fire. It may be hot, but you should have been wearing your gloves. Toss it up in the air and hit it as hard as possible. It doesn't even need to be a powerful serve, as long as it gets to the other side. Anything on fire looks faster and more awesome. Following this logic, you may consider lighting your racket on fire or possibly yourself.
Step 5: Forming the Killer Team
Now that you have turned into an ultra badass tennis player, you have to recruit members for your new lethally illegal team. Each member has to be equally awesome, but have different powers that strike fear into the hearts of their puny opponents. You, of course, have to be the most powerful cause you're the captain. As captain, you should refrain from playing alot, and just stand around looking badass. You won't even have to play as long as the team is badass enough to cover for you. When you do play, however, make sure that you use your special moves and stances alot and show off stupid amounts so that everyone knows you're the shit.
Well there you go. Have fun sending people to the hospital from burn injuries and fractured faces from all your weird ass special moves.