Asuka's Corner

Hello. My name is Sohryu Asuka Langley, and I am much smarter and better looking than you could ever conceive yourself to be in your wildest dreams. I know more and think more than you, and thus know what's best for you; if you run your life according to MY expectations, you may eventually begin to approach the smallest fraction of my success.

Write to Sohryu Asuka Langley by contacting her here.


Dear Asuka:

I have a crush on my imaginary friend, what should I do? You know in Russian suka means bitch? Sveta Morozova.

Dear Sveta: If you have a crush on your imaginary friend, there's not much you CAN do. The best you can hope for is an imaginary relationship, which is probably better than finding some asshole on the street anyway. And no, I DIDN'T know that, but thankfully I don't give a shit either.

Dear Asuka:

I don't want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I'm trying to let him know easily but he just won't leave me alone. I want to be with this other boy I really like and we get along so well but how can I go out with him if my hopefully ex-boyfriend still acts like he's still with me? Sabrina.

Dear Sabrina: If the guy doesn't get it, you're obviously not being blunt enough. Try using stronger words, like "Get the hell away from me," or "You idiot, it's over." If neither of those works, call the cops.

Dear Asuka:

The human being encounters absurd walls that limit and trap him. Life always remains incomplete. This incompleteness of life makes it purposeless. In the routines and drills of life, the human being is drowned by the mundane and morbid repetition of living day in and day out. The human being is totally estranged from everything else in the universe. This estrangement expresses itself in the physiological nausea and the subjective passion to be free. He allows the flow of time, over which he has no control, to determine his life. Death appears as a seal in this unintelligible universe. Yet, he yearns for a distant tomorrow because he is unable to realize any value in his current mode of existence, in which everything has been reduced to mechanical functions that reproduce themselves. What are your thoughts on this? The Safer.

Dear Safer: My thoughts? I think you're an idiot.

Dear Asuka:

I got drunk at a party and met this hot girl and I slept with her, enough said. A couple weeks later I got a phone call and she said she was pregnant, so I replied by saying it's not my damn baby and I hung up. Did you think I did the right thing? Benji-Karo.

Dear Benji: Even if it isn't yours, you'll be stuck paying for the baby anyway, so you might as well go make up and get laid a couple more times. And you're not much of a man to begin with if you can't take your damn alcohol.

Dear Asuka:

I just broke up with my boyfriend a couple of days ago. He was flirting with a show-off girl who thinks she's all that. I mean like... whatever! I want a new boyfriend that has a good personality and won't flirt with other girls. I want him to be cute and smart but not nerdy. I don't want him to be shorter than me. Mariam, El Paso, TX.

Dear Mariam: Does this look like the goddamn Personals section to you? Because if it does, you're both horribly mistaken and a bloody twit; good luck finding God, you jealous bitch.

Dear Asuka:

There's this boy I like a lot and I've been waiting for him to ask me out but he hasn't. Do you think it's because he doesn't like me? I want to ask him out but I'm afraid. Kristin, Longview, TX.

Dear Kristin: Maybe this boy is too shy to ask you out himself. He could be afraid you'll reject him, but you're probably just really damn ugly. If this happens to be the case, I'd say go for broke... the worse that can happen is painful outright rejection, and perhaps even scorn.

Dear Asuka:

My friend and I really like these twin boys who are in our class. But there are two problems: 1) it's hard to tell them apart, and 2) we both like the same one, I think. Confused.

Dear Confused: I fail to see the problem here. Your friend can go to hell; that leaves twice the fun for you.

Dear Asuka:

My boyfriend just jabbed me in the neck with a rather large iron pole. What do you suggest I do?. Blue Seed Lover.

Dear Anonymous: The very fact that he feels he has the freedom to even do so suggests a disappointing lack of control on your part. I suggest establishing some sort of power base, and fast; the quickest way would be to take that pole and shove it up his ass, but far more subtle tactics come to mind. Extended exposure to Blue Seed could also do the trick.

Dear Asuka:

I have problems. Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous: We all have problems, and God knows I'm the last person to turn to, but you can't fucking whine about them all the time. Whining will get you nothing more than a backhand in the face and a night in the cellar.

Dear Asuka:

My friend Kevin and I like to go around talking with girls. Kevin always gets the girls' attention. One time a girl at day camp named Brenda was the best girl I ever met. She got interested in Kevin! She asked him out and he said yes, so I didn't talk to him for a week. Why is it that no girls are interested in me? Lonely, Orange, CA.

Dear Lonely: You're probably just ugly.

Dear Asuka:

I'm ten years old and girls my age are already dating. Do you think ten years old is too young to date? Confused, Eden Prairie, MN.

Dear Confused: People become emotionally mature enough to date at different points in their lives. You have to consider what you're looking for in a relationship; if you're in it for the sex, then yes, I would have to say you're too young. If you're in it for love, it's better to get that shit over with as soon as possible.

Dear Asuka:

There's this girl at school. Sometimes she can be really mean and sometimes she's really snobby. She makes fun of my friends to be mean. I get really mad at her. What should I do? Veronica, Claremore, OK.

Dear Veronica: Sometimes kids like to get other kids angry. The best thing to do would be to turn the tables on the bitch, and as hard as possible. The next time she makes fun of you, hit her with a steel pipe.